I feel a little crazy saying this, but in a world spiraling into fascism, a whipsaw of economic turmoil, and general political chaos, I think a PROTEST seems like a perfectly rational (and one might say existentially important) use of one's time? Maybe even to be appreciated regardless of any personal inconvenience the protest may have caused?! I think an important way to value a friendship is recognizing when something is bigger than you both.
this is a tricky one, especially as we only hear one side of this story. A practical solution might have been for the friend to attend the protest but reduce her time there in order to have enough energy to celebrate her friend’s birthday? Life is just one huge balancing act, after all 🤷🏻♀️
This is such spot on advice, Anna! Sometimes we get it wrong but it’s on us to deal with it in a way that preserves the friendship (if we decide that’s what we want to do).
Stop being so reasonable, Anna! Communicating expectations sounds super lame, but it's something I learned at work that I brought into friendships and relationships. "Manage my expectation, here they are." And then the person on the other end, we can talk about it and be clear with one another. Kudos to the letter writer for sharing a friendship boondoggle.
It sucks when you don't feel considered and valued by a friend. If it's a pattern then it's easy to get more and more resentful. But the less communication there is the more the friendship erodes and that's a slippery slope!!
Great advice, Anna! I agree so strongly that ignoring the bday text (or anyone's text) only hurts rather than helps a situation. Be direct whenever possible. And I love the apology script your offered in #4. Yes! It's not too late to salvage the situation.
I think Anna's advice is spot on! Though I do think there is some confirmation bias at play here - if you're looking for reasons to validate your feelings that your besite sucks, you're going to notice more when your bestie sucks. Is this really one more in a long line of egregious disappointments or is it just the most recent? Some better communication could be had on both ends, but if this really is grounds to take a break or end the friendship, there absolutely is value in honoring your own feelings - there's a reason this is weighing on you and pushing you toward that outcome. Sending all the positive vibes to Annoyed and Hurt as they navigate this tough situation. I hope they update us on the results!
Hoo boy, I'd love to read an article about the demands for entire weekends/trips devoted to a birthday, especially when it's not a milestone birthday.
Your friend wanted to join a major protest that was happening the day of your birthday, it's not like she purposely scheduled another party or something. Yes, she could have left early, but we don't know how long it took her to get to the event/what her transportation was. She was willing to attend ANOTHER birthday event but you told her not to come? So you really didn't want to see her, then. And ignoring her text on your actual birthday was immature.
Anna is correct in her advice, and if there are other issues at play in your relationship, you should deal with them separately.
My reaction here is absolutely colored by not-so-great friends in the past, here, but I am usually not terribly inclined to be sympathetic to adults who get super-invested in their birthdays, in a way that puts a lot of pressure on others.
I feel a little crazy saying this, but in a world spiraling into fascism, a whipsaw of economic turmoil, and general political chaos, I think a PROTEST seems like a perfectly rational (and one might say existentially important) use of one's time? Maybe even to be appreciated regardless of any personal inconvenience the protest may have caused?! I think an important way to value a friendship is recognizing when something is bigger than you both.
this is a tricky one, especially as we only hear one side of this story. A practical solution might have been for the friend to attend the protest but reduce her time there in order to have enough energy to celebrate her friend’s birthday? Life is just one huge balancing act, after all 🤷🏻♀️
This.
This is such spot on advice, Anna! Sometimes we get it wrong but it’s on us to deal with it in a way that preserves the friendship (if we decide that’s what we want to do).
Stop being so reasonable, Anna! Communicating expectations sounds super lame, but it's something I learned at work that I brought into friendships and relationships. "Manage my expectation, here they are." And then the person on the other end, we can talk about it and be clear with one another. Kudos to the letter writer for sharing a friendship boondoggle.
It sucks when you don't feel considered and valued by a friend. If it's a pattern then it's easy to get more and more resentful. But the less communication there is the more the friendship erodes and that's a slippery slope!!
Great advice, Anna! I agree so strongly that ignoring the bday text (or anyone's text) only hurts rather than helps a situation. Be direct whenever possible. And I love the apology script your offered in #4. Yes! It's not too late to salvage the situation.
I think Anna's advice is spot on! Though I do think there is some confirmation bias at play here - if you're looking for reasons to validate your feelings that your besite sucks, you're going to notice more when your bestie sucks. Is this really one more in a long line of egregious disappointments or is it just the most recent? Some better communication could be had on both ends, but if this really is grounds to take a break or end the friendship, there absolutely is value in honoring your own feelings - there's a reason this is weighing on you and pushing you toward that outcome. Sending all the positive vibes to Annoyed and Hurt as they navigate this tough situation. I hope they update us on the results!
Thank you for weighing in! I just emailed the LW your comment. Hopefully she'll update us on how it goes!
Hoo boy, I'd love to read an article about the demands for entire weekends/trips devoted to a birthday, especially when it's not a milestone birthday.
Your friend wanted to join a major protest that was happening the day of your birthday, it's not like she purposely scheduled another party or something. Yes, she could have left early, but we don't know how long it took her to get to the event/what her transportation was. She was willing to attend ANOTHER birthday event but you told her not to come? So you really didn't want to see her, then. And ignoring her text on your actual birthday was immature.
Anna is correct in her advice, and if there are other issues at play in your relationship, you should deal with them separately.
My reaction here is absolutely colored by not-so-great friends in the past, here, but I am usually not terribly inclined to be sympathetic to adults who get super-invested in their birthdays, in a way that puts a lot of pressure on others.
Well said!
Is this letter fake?! Either that or it was written by a child. Just doesn’t sound real
I can assure you that it's real!