Help Me, Anna: My Best Friend Suuuuuucks

A woman at the end of her rope asks me for advice

Hey gang! A woman reached out to me and asked a SUPER relatable question so I’m sharing it here so we can all learn how to handle situations like this.

Dear Anna,

I don't know why my best friend sucks so badly. She skipped out on my birthday celebration on Saturday because she attended a protest. Her attending a protest is fine, but then she was pooped and didn't want to go out at night since she'd had such a long day. I know there will be other protests, but my birthday only comes around once a freakin year! I would have NEVER done this to her and I know if I did she would be very disappointed.

We had brunch planned for the following day, which she was planning on coming to, but I texted her and basically told her not to come and that it was just going to be me and my boyfriend. I didn't want to see her face. The celebration was the night before; I didn't have any energy and was hungover and miserable.

She is supposed to be my best friend, I don't want to only be able to hang out with her for brunch for one hour on a Sunday and then retire to the couch the rest of the day; that's not really celebrating with me. So yeah, I was really disappointed and angry.

My actual birthday was on Monday (March 24th), but who celebrates on a Monday? She wished me a happy birthday over text on Monday and I didn't even respond. I know that maybe I am being immature by giving her the silent treatment. But I am just not over being disappointed by her. She disappoints me more often than not.

But our friendship means so much to me and she 100% meets your Desire, Diligence and Delight requirements for hanging onto a friendship. So I don't really know what to do here. I have been super vocal over the years with her (we've been friends almost 10 years) about the things that she does that hurt me. And I feel like if she would have just thought about it, she would have easily realized that going out all day to protest was going to drain her, resulting in her not wanting to go out and celebrate my birthday at night.

I don't think I should need to tell her like, "hey, you know it hurt my feelings that you didn't come out with me for my birthday because you chose to protest during the day," as I feel she isn't stupid and should already know this - it's not rocket science.

We've had to take year-long breaks in the past but I'm really ready to throw in the towel on this one. I'm so tired of having heartfelt conversations with her over the years and being patient with her when she makes the same mistakes. I feel like this relationship is one-sided and it's not fair to me. But I've also never connected with any other woman in the same way and I am just so upset that our friendship might need to end because she is so selfish and thoughtless. What should I do?

Thank you so much for your time,
Annoyed and Hurt

Oooooh, boy. I had so many thoughts on this that I whipped out my lipstick and made a long-ish video! Pull up a chair.

The TL:DL version is:

1. It’s okay to feel disappointed but it’s on you to manage your hurt feelings. It wasn’t appropriate to be petty towards your friend when she was honest about how she was feeling.

2. A better response to your friend bowing out would’ve been: “I’m disappointed you can’t make it tonight but I’m really excited to celebrate with you tomorrow. See you then!”

3. Ignoring her happy birthday text message was immature. She wasn’t selfish and thoughtless –– she was ready to celebrate your birthday with you at brunch and she texted you well wishes. We need to be flexible with our friends!

4. It’s not to late to salvage this. You can tell her, “I apolgize for ignoring your happy birthday text. I was hurt that you couldn’t attend my party and reacted poorly. Please forgive me. I value your friendship deeply and want to make it up to you. How about we do our own thing to celebrate?”

Tell me your thoughts about the situation in the comments. I’m eager to hear!