Low-Maintenance Friendships Are a Scam
They're the Vitamin Water of Connection
Hey there! Before we jump into today's newsletter, I have a favor to ask. If you’ve enjoyed reading or listening to my book **MODERN FRIENDSHIP**—maybe it made you laugh, prompted some deep thoughts, or even changed how you view your friendships—would you mind leaving a review on Amazon? A quick review from you would really help other readers find the book and join in on the fun! Thank you so much!
It's only three super simple steps that take less than a minute:
Visit my book's Amazon page
Click on the blue ratings count next to the stars
Hit "Write a customer review"
A few words like "Loved it!", “Great read!” or even just a star rating is perfect – no need for an essay. Your review helps more than you know, and I'd be incredibly grateful.
When I reach 100 reviews, I wanna do something to thank you all. Help me decide. Vote!
A funny friendship-themed Powerpoint could be epic, just saying!!
Now, onto today's newsletter.
A while back, Diana Park wrote this terrific essay, “To The Friends Who Go Weeks Without Responding To My Texts,” on the parenting website, Scary Mommy.
In the highly relatable piece, the author explains how overwhelming it is to keep up with friends’ messages.
Park starts the essay by saying how she used to take offense when friends didn’t reply to her messages. That changed when she became a busy parent. Then she became the one in the friendship to drop the ball more often:
It was nothing personal, of course. My friends and family wanted to check on me and see how I was doing. But there was a big part of me that didn’t want to share my life because it felt like work. And when you are struggling with something heavy, everything can feel incredibly difficult.
Yes, replying to random unsolicited messages does feel like work. I told you this piece was highly relatable!
Now that she was the one who needed more leeway from her friends, Park realized that she should be more understanding when it comes to communication issues:
And so I say to the friends who go silent for days, weeks, even months, I get it. I’ve been there and I know it’s nothing personal. Not hearing from one of my loved ones will never make me love them any less. Sometimes, the best way to be a friend is to be patient and understanding and just leave the window open for whenever they do come back.
Sounds like a chill strategy, right?
Eh, not so fast.
Sure, this mindset sounds really positive and friendly on the surface. It’s like saying, 'If we chat, that’s awesome! And if we take a break from each other for a bit, that’s okay, too. Just be yourself! You do you.”
Letting your bonds decay is actually not a great solution for maintaining friendships
I understand how the writer arrived at this place, thinking that low-maintenance friends are the way forward. But, as a friendship explainer, I worry that this is not a viable long-term strategy.
It’s like the dude on Reddit who didn't realize that Tic-Tacs weren't actually 0 calories and gained 40 lbs. because he ate a few handfuls daily. These (seemingly) harmless decisions up. Ignoring your friends for weeks at a time, letting messages linger, hoping your connection will persist – none of those things will keep a friendship active.
It’s understandable to shuffle friendships to the outer rings when you’re snowed under, but you risk friends moving on without you. Those are the stakes here. Not to mention that you’re robbing yourself of the chance to be someone’s best friend.
So, what are you suggesting, lady?
A better strategy than ignoring your friends (and hoping it’s cool) is to triage your social life.
Pick 3 to 5 friends you commit to showing up for. These are the friends who play essential roles in your life. Conversely, you play important roles in their life, too. My book, Modern Friendship, will walk you through the process of selecting this elite tier of friends, which I call “Jacuzzi friends”.
For those that aren’t your inner circle of besties, sure, you can reply to them when you can. But, explain why you’re taking so long to reply and what you’d like to see happen in the future. This could sound like: “Hey! It’s great to hear from you. Work is insane atm. I’ll ping you when I come up for air in a few weeks.” Then, set a reminder in your calendar to reach out.
Take responsibility for your social life. Communicating with a friend for a few seconds is a gift you give your future self.
Why is this a better idea, Anna?
Friendships are easy to shed but harder to pick back up. You need a system to manage your social life and a strategy to keep your friends around.
Low-maintenance friends aren’t a great solution when they’re used as blanket permission to withdraw from your social circle. That’s honestly the last thing we need as a society right now. We need community and friends more than ever. These are rare resources. Treat other people’s interest and concern in your life with care and respect.
TL;DR
Stop feeling overwhelmed in your friendships and start triaging your social life. Focus on a handful of important people and commit to keeping those relationships active, (especially!) during busy times.
I’m kicking off Friendship Month over on the podcast Forever35. Look at this killer lineup. And, the coolest part: I’m actually friends with all these other authors! It’s like a Russian doll of friends talking about friendship.
Stay tuned. My episode drops in the coming days!
In the meantime, you can find me on:
Until next time,
Your buddy,
Anna
Hi. Thanks for this. I needed to read it as do feel overwhelmed with folks not ever getting back to me. If I don't reach out, I feel no one will and feel maybe I'm the problem?
1. 1000% agree with you.
2. lol on the tictac situation analogy. That was spot on.