Happy new year!!
I hope you had a reasonable New Years. At this point in life, reasonable is a perfectly fine thing to strive for.
Since I came down with a cold, I stayed home and drank chamomile tea. A shot of berry Nyquil knocked me out at 9:47 pm.
A reminder: I’ll be in conversation with friendship educator Blake Blankenbecler on Instagram live today at 1:30 pm EST. Together, we’re going to explain how to keep your connections strong in 2024. We can answer your friendship questions too. Follow both of us on Instagram to join.
Confession: I’ve never done an Instagram live before. I’m new at this.
Part of the reason I wanted to write a book was to learn new things. So in the spirit of learning, I’m embracing all this social media stuff. “Go easy on me, baby” - Adele, also me when engaging with social media.
10 (more!) chill friendship tips for the new year
As promised, here are 10 more tips about how to regard your friendships in the new year. I gotta say, tip #11 has been very liberating for me. Hopefully it’ll give you the same sense of liberation too.
11. It can be helpful to think of your friendships as either being Memorial friendships or Active friendships. Memorial friendships are from your past. You don’t speak with one another too often. You don’t really spend time together anymore but you still think fondly of one another.
Active friendships happen today. These are the people you talk to, spend time with, and dream up activities together for the future.
You will set yourself up for disappointment if you confuse the two. It’s like watching a Talking Heads video on Youtube: the film quality is going to look grainy and warped. That video was filmed decades ago with a $10 budget. If you expect it to look like a crisp modern Billie Eilish video, well, you’re gonna be bummed.
It’s our responsibilty to have reasonable, appropriate expectations for our memorial friendships.
12. Affection isn't enough to sustain an active friendship. You need a super strong reason for two busy adults to seek one another out. My phone is full of friends I adore but rarely spend time with.
The difference between friends in my phone and the friends I make time to see: we have a CLEAR and COMPELLING reason to keep our friendship active.
A 2020 study indentified why people make friends. Those reasons include:
• Social assistance and advice: having people around to support and advise them.
• Mating: securing a romantic partner.
• Career: having better cooperation in their work environment and help in advancing their careers.
• Desirable traits: being around people with positive traits such as trustworthiness and integrity.
• Socializing: communicating with other people in order to avoid feeling lonely.
People seek out others who can help them in these specific ways. THESE are the compelling reasons we keep a friendship active.
13. There are five main reasons why someone might have trouble ending a friendship that’s no longer functional:
•Longstanding ties. There’s lots of shared history between you two.
•A strong sense of loyalty.
•Reluctance to disrupt one’s social life.
•Fear of potential conflict.
•Ignorance. Not knowing how to tell someone that you no longer want to be friends.
It can be hard to walk away from a friendship. Be gentle with yourself if you’re struggling.
14. Ask for consent before you vent to a friend. Say, "Hey, is now a good time? Can you listen to me complain about my boss for the next five minutes?" The key: make sure they actually say yes! Wait for confirmation. Then make sure you stick to the time limit you set. This shows you respect your friend's attention and energy.
15. There's always an ache when friendships evolve in different directions. That’s because this friend usually played an important role in your life. This happens all the time. It's so common. Try not to take this drifting personally. Let go (with love!) of friendships that can't thrive. Shuffle them from an active friendship to a memorial one in your head. Invest in a handful of nourishing friendships that are able to be active today.
16. People want friends who support them in ALL their roles in life. This is called offering "social-identity support." As a friend's identity evolves (parent, student, spouse or divorcee, etc.), suggest activities that take their new roles into account. That could mean earlier hangouts and/or more flexible plans.
17. You might be wondering why you should continue to invest time and energy into your friendships. Well, it comes down to human stuff, like sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Sure, having others care about us feels good. But, more importantly, *WE* feel an enhanced sense of love and belonging when *WE* care about our friends too. Pick a handful of close friends and commit to showing up for them no matter what. Return their texts. Give them little presents. As wise friendship expert Shasta Nelson says, practice positivity, vulnerability and consistency to keep your friendships afloat.
18. Our brains know the difference between people on Facebook wishing us happy birthday and our dear friends sitting across from us wishing us a happy birthday. Try to get together with your friends IN PERSON as often as you can. Make happy memories together.
19. To help our friends be there for us, minimize uncertainty. Anytime emotions are high and expectations are uncertain, give a realistic amount of information to your inner circle so they can show up with confidence. “For my birthday this year, instead of doing a big group dinner somewhere fancy, I want to have a low-key picnic in the park. I'll bring snacks. No need for gifts but if you want to bring wine to share, I'll have cups!"
It can also work for more intense emotions like grief too. "Hey, it's coming up on a year since I lost my dad. It'd mean a lot to me if you can call or text me on Thursday to check in."
20. A great response when a friend comes to you in distress, per the New York Times: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” It’s simple and effective.
Are any of these tips helpful? Are they helping you understand your friendships more? Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for reading and being here. It means so much to me to share everything I’ve learned about friendships with you all.
I’m growing this newsletter this year with interviews, case studies and pop cuture breakdowns so stay tuned. Let’s all have stronger, better connections this year and beyond.
Your bud,
Anna Goldfarb
🥺 I am nervous but you are right, I will only feel resentment otherwise! Thank you!
A friend treats me like a therapist and gives me play by plays over text and voicenote of issues in her life. I often just don’t reply as I don’t have the bandwidth and don’t do this in return. Is this ok? I would reply in emergency situations