What Survivor teaches us about friendship
The tribe has spoken. They said: "Shared goals are where it's at"
Hello hello!
Happy Monday, everyone. I hope you’re having a rockin’ day. I’m thrilled to see so many male subscribers here! Welcome, good sirs.
To all the new readers who have recently subscribed, here’s a quick introduction to me and Friendship Explained.
My name is Anna Goldfarb. I look like this:
I’m a journalist and author. My reporting on friendships has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME Magazine, Vox and more. My forthcoming book, MODERN FRIENDSHIP, comes out on June 4th.
Modern friendships can be painfully ambiguous. But they don’t have to be. That’s where I come in. My mission is to take the anxiety out of friendship.
Helping people understand how friendships work is my passion. In today’s installment of “What X teaches us about friendship,” I examine your cousin Brian’s favorite TV show, Survivor. Even if you’re not a fan of the show, the lessons the show teaches will apply to anyone. Happy reading and thanks for being here.
Survivor, if you’re new to this planet, is a long-running reality TV show on CBS. Contestants are isolated in a remote location and must work together to outwit, outplay, and outlast each other for a prize of 1 million dollars.
The show’s been on for 45 seasons (!), and offers insights into human relationships and dynamics. The paradox of the game is that players need to establish trust with other players while balancing their own self-interest to advance.
The problem: How do you make friendships when every person in the group is ultimately out for themselves?
What Survivor gets right: Even in the cutthroat, competitive setting of Survivor, people are still able forge alliances with the other contestants. They do this by working together towards a clear and compelling common goal: knocking other contestants out in order to increase their chances of winning.
Having a clear and compelling common goal is the glue that binds people together.
Even though we’re (most likely) not on a game show competing for cash, we prioritize friendships that help us achieve our clear and compelling goals. We keep appointments with these people, we invest time and energy into maintaing these bonds, especially when they’re in service of a shared goal.
If you don’t have common shared goals with a friend, if your friendship runs on fumes and nostalgia, it will be more likely to be shuffled to the outer rings of your social life. Them’s the breaks!
What science has to say about this: Psychology professor Gail Matthews wanted to learn about how goals are achieved, so in 2007, she conducted a study involving 267 participants from a wide swath of professional backgrounds in six countries between the ages of 23 and 72. She identified four factors that contributed to the participants’ goal completion:
• Writing down your clear goals
• Committing to achieving them
• *Sharing the goal with a friend*
• Sending weekly progress reports to this accountability buddy
When incorporating all four steps, nearly 3/4ths of the participants met their goal. That’s how powerful sharing your goals with a friend can be.
How to apply this to your friendships: If you’d like to spend more time with a friend, recruit a friend to help you with a goal that is equally meaningful to you both.
Shared goals could be:
Moving your body more
Learning a new skill or language
Seeing more plays
Learning about art
Eating at every restaurant in Chinatown (which my friend Adam actually did)
Reading more books
Learning to knit
Watching every Oscar-nominated movie
Whatever floats your boat, dude!!
Homework: Ask a friend to either help you with a goal you have, or see if you can help them achieve a goal they have. Let me know how it goes. You can always email me at anna@modernfriendship.org. I love hearing from y’all.
Other places to find me:
I’m in Refinery29 talking about why we outgrow our friendships as an adult
I’m in Well + Good talking about 85 Deep Questions To Ask Friends That Will Make Your Connections Feel Way Tighter
Have a great week.
Your buddy,
Anna
Very interesting, Anna. Great job❤️
Love this take!