What Reality Bites teaches us about friendship
It's not always obvious how to support a friend in a funk
The problem: Watching your friend flounder is really fucking hard! Most of us don’t have any training in this. We often jump to giving unsolicited advice, which only alienates our bummed-out buddy because it comes off like we know their problems better than they do.
“You should quit your job.”
”You should tell him to fuck right off.”
“Just stop thinking about it.”
“You should be over this by now.”
What Reality Bites gets right: Most of us are not taught how to support a friend who’s riding on the strugglebus. It’s distressing to see your friend in pain.
Sometimes in a state of panic, we blurt out platitudes –– it’s called toxic positivity or dismissive positivity –– hoping we can convince our friend that their bad situation is actually a good situation. I wrote about this very thing a while back for The New York Times (gift link).
You’re not a bad friend for not knowing what to say when a friend is hurting. And you might experience anxiety for not knowing how to handle things perfectly.
Why this is a problem: Friendships are an entirely optional relationship, which makes them fragile. It can feel risky to give a friend tough love. Maybe they won’t handle your words well. Maybe they’ll withdraw from you and never come back.
Do this instead: The best way to support your friend going through a hard time is to just be present. You don’t have to whip out a Powerpoint presentation about how losing their job is actually a great opportunity in disguise. Or losing their relationship means they can spend more time re-watching The Sopranos this summer, which has been their stated summer goal for the past three years.
Our job as friends is not to re-frame, convince or minimize: it’s to be present.
How to apply this to your friendships: Be at teammate, not a coach. Don’t try to solve anything. Just acknowledge the distress.
“Oof. That’s disappointing. I hate it for you.”
“That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through this”
“I’m gutted for you. That’s heartbreaking. Fuck.”
Then, offer support. Food and drinks are great for giving people comfort.
“I just made some brownies. Why don’t I bring some over and you can tell me more about it.”
“It sounds like we need some fully loaded nachos to fully process this. Come over and I’ll make some for us. I have a new salsa I got at the farmer’s market. Let’s crack it open.”
“Listen, I just got some fancy olives. Come over and I’ll make you a martini. We can talk more about it, or you can just cuddle my dog and be a pile of sad.”
Or, make a small gesture to show you see their distress.
Make a donation to a local animal shelter. “I’m so sorry you lost Fluffy. I made a donation in her honor.”
Send over some chocolate or jelly beans with a little note: “I’m sorry life is hard right now. You’re a wonderful friend and I’m here for you, always.”
Send them a gift card to Starbucks with a note: “I know today’s a hard day. Get something with lots of whipped cream!! I love you!”
Homework: Next time you see your friend having a tough time, just be attentive and present. Don’t sputter out platitudes designed to soothe your own anxiety instead of your friend’s distress.
Three things I’m digging:
Vaseline Dry Hands Rescue Cream ($6 at Target) - This fragrance-free beauty is only $6 for a shit ton of product. It’s unscented and absorbs like a dream.
Culinary Class Wars (Netflix) - My brother-in-law suggested I watch this great cooking competion show on Netflix. I was determined to take his bid because that’s what I encourage people to do in my book. Look at me taking my own advice! However, I misheard him and watched 24 in 24: Last Chef Standing on Max.
It was a fairly hilarous converstation when I told him I took his suggestion. “I watched that chef’s competion show you suggested. 24 in 24, right?”
“What are you talking about??”
It took a few seconds for me to realize that I watched an entire other show mistakenly. 24 in 24 is an American show on Max. Culinary Class Wars is a Korean show on Netflix. Both were very good and Culinary Class Wars was especially rewarding to watch.
The Dogist Merch - I had the enormous pleasure of moderating some events with The Dogist last week in NYC, Philly and Boston. I’m heading to Chicago this weekend to moderate their event on Monday at Thalia Hall. It’s been wonderful talking with everyone about their friendships with man’s best friend! I’m actually wearing the DOG hat right now which feels a little bit like I’m repping an opposite sports team because I’m an avowed cat lady.
You can find me on:
The Art of Charm
Here’s the episode description: ”Modern life has made friendship feel more confusing, fragile, and isolating than ever. In this episode, journalist and author Anna Goldfarb joins us to unpack the paradox of modern friendship — why we’re lonelier despite being more connected, and what we can do to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
Anna shares her “Triple D” framework (Desire, Diligence, Delight) and breaks down the hidden architecture of great friendships: clear aboutness, healthy compartmentalization, emotional maturity, and the courage to reconnect.Whether you’re tired of being everyone’s unpaid therapist or simply wondering how to revive a drifting connection, this episode gives you the practical tools and emotional insight to reset your social life — no cringe required.”
In Business Insider talking about how different generations practice friendship: "This is brand new culturally, historically," Anna Goldfarb, the author of "Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections," told me of the confluence of friends and location-sharing technology. "And it makes sense that people are like, 'what does this mean?' This is something we haven't ever had that technology to do before — much less the space and freedom to do it."
Gretchen Rubin is reading my book, which is amazingly flattering. I had the extreme pleasure of interviewing her about her new book, Secrets of Adulthood, for this newsletter and our conversation got pretty spicy! I’ll post it tomorrow.
Do you have a favorite way to comfort your friends? Tell me in the comments!
Until next time,
Your buddy,
Anna
1. great advice! (of course!!)
2. Loved this flashback to Reality Bites
3. You can totally appreciate why I was SO SO SO EXCITED when Gretchen came on my show!
4. Wish were going to be in Chicago at the same time. This is tragic.
Reality Bites is one of my favorite movies and this post is making me feel the need to rewatch. Great observations about how the film portrays the best ways to show up for a friend :)