Political differences don't end friendships. It's harsh reactions that doom them.
I also share three items I avoided for no real reason but now LOVE
Hello all!
As we head into a political season, it’s important to know how to navigate potentially tense moments with your friends, family and co-workers.
Are politics tearing friendships apart?
Eh, not exactly. There's a perception that friendships are buckling under the weight of differing political ideologies. However, studies show that this isn't necessarily the case.
An April 2024 poll of Orange County residents by UC Irvine’s School of Social Ecology found that only 18% of respondents have ended a friendship over political differences.
A 2021 report by the Survey Center on American Life echoed this finding, noting that only 15 percent of over 2,000 adults surveyed have ended a friendship over politics. That’s barely any!
"Although political disagreements are common, few Americans report having stopped talking to or being friends with someone because of their views about government or politics," the authors wrote.
Hmmm. I feel like friendships are definitely straining under the weight of politics though.
Well, liberal women were the most likely group to end a friendship over politics, the report said, with 33 percent saying they stopped being friends with someone because of political differences.
Yeah, that tracks. So what can we do?
We expect our friends to understand us and care about us. So when a dear friend engages in what psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser calls the Seven Deadly Disconnection Habits, we naturally recoil. They are:
1. Complaining
2. Criticizing
3. Blaming
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Bribing or rewarding to control
When it comes to a political chat with a buddy, that sounds like:
“You’re overreacting. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“I should have known you’d have that view. It’s typical of people from your background.”
“I guess you don’t care about the future of our country if you think that way.”
“I can’t believe you actually believe that. It’s like you don’t even care about facts.”
“You’re just parroting what you hear on [insert news outlet]. You should think for yourself.”
Those kinds of judgy statements not only isolate your friend, but also make the friendship feel suffocating.
Instead, we should practice what Dr. Glasser calls the Seven Caring Connection Habits:
1. Supporting
2. Encouraging
3. Listening
4. Accepting
5. Trusting
6. Respecting
7. Negotiating Differences
These habits bring friends closer together, not rip them apart. In a political conversation, this sounds like:
“Can you help me understand why this policy is important to you?”
“It’s okay that we have different opinions on this. I appreciate hearing your side.”
“I respect that we don’t see eye to eye on this. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“It’s great that we both care about improving things, even if we have different ideas on how to do it.”
“I appreciate hearing your opinions. Let’s keep this conversation open and respectful.”
“Even though we disagree, I’m glad we can have these conversations. It helps me see things from different angles.”
If you say things like this, then your friendships and relationships are much more likely to be politics-proof.
What does any of this matter?
Well, not to sound dramatic but our fate as a civilization rests on our ability to come together and solve problems.
It might feel comforting in the moment to distance yourself from people who don’t think exactly like you, but everyone loses out when we shut down respectful discourse.
I’m not saying you have to agree with everything a friend says, and of course some policies are so abhorrent that it feels you have no other choice but to disengage.
But you do have to show respect to one another if you want to continue a friendship. And, the way I see it, I have a much better chance of helping a friend see my perspective if we keep the conversation flowing rather than shutting it all down.
Furthermore, it’s a chance to teach our loved ones how to respectfully disagree. I want friends who grow and learn together. We can show each other how to do it.
Friendships require vulnerability, but we can’t have vulnerability without trust. We need to respectfully build trust with one another; not tear trust down.
In other news, Modern Friendship is the August pick for author ’s Angry Woman Book Club.
It’s happening on Thursday, August 22nd at 10:00am PT/ 1:00pm ET. Join us as we talk about the themes of the book and have a fun, open conversation!
Side note: my publisher created a book club guide for anyone else reading the book in their book club. You can download it here or clicking on the button below.
You can find me talking about friendship:
In an Oprah Daily article talking about what to do when a BFF enters a new life stage without you
On the podcast Flow with Sheila Das
On the podcast Curious Minds at Work with Gayle Allen
Here are three items I’ve resisted for no reason but have come to LOVE this summer
Wearing sandals - I’ve been rocking these neutral-colored Tevas this summer, showing off my ragged red-painted toenails all over South Philly and beyond.
This is notable because ever since childhood, I’ve resisted wearing sandals because they’re deeply uncool. These puppies have a Velcro strap which is about as cool as a parking ticket.
But with the oppressive heat we’ve had, I’m open to new footwear options. I do like the strappiness at the top part of the sandal, which offsets the lameness of the Velcro ankle strap by 70%.
They’re half-kicky and half-sensible, which honestly is my preferred state of being. Maybe I’ll have a margarita with lunch. Maybe I’ll nibble on a frozen York Peppermint Pattie. Maybe I’ll scroll though the perimenopause subreddit. Maybe I’ll take a nap. Who knows?? I contain multitudes!!!
Wearing linen - I never knew a fabric could make me feel like a fresh Kleenex plucked from the box.
Owala water bottles - I’m secretly vain and don’t want lip wrinkles so I appreciate the gentle slope of the built-in straw.
Half-kicky and half-sensible,
Anna
This is so important always but especially in a year like this one. Thank you, Anna!
A fantastic piece!!!!