Men are trash at texting one other
I'm here to help
Men are trash at texting, according to a recent article in The Atlantic titled “The Agony of Texting With Men”.
In the piece, writer Matthew Schnipper recounts how he sent his friend Joe a link to an album on Spotify he thought he’d enjoy. The message read: “Hi :) It’s Schnipper. I think u would dig this guy’s stuff.”
However, Joe didn’t reply. Dejected, Schnipper noodled on why his text was ignored. Was he asking too much of his friend??
Maybe asking someone to spend 45 minutes listening to an album and to then synthesize their thoughts is too much pressure. Or maybe Joe listened and he didn’t like the music and didn’t want to disappoint me. Maybe he doesn’t actually like me.
There are a lot of potential reasons he didn’t respond; I imagined them all. Months later, I finally asked why he’d left me on read. “I don’t know,” Joe said. “It’s a good question.”
After thinking about it a bit, Joe told him that replying to text messages are a pain in the ass and feels like homework:
Responding to messages becomes “this looming thing that I have to do,” he said. “It turns into a source of anxiety, honestly, that I’ll always be like, I’m in text debt.” So these friendships, untended, don’t blossom. Because Joe, like many men, is bad at texting.
Schnipper blames a lot things for this men finding themselves in this conundrum. There’s less places to organically engage with one another, he says. Men aren’t used to having to mediate their experiences using a phone, unlike naturally chatty ladies.
Many of the places where in-person relationships previously formed—offices, bars, churches—are no longer mandatory stops. Now “texting is our social experience,” Nick Brody, a communication-studies professor at the University of Puget Sound, told me. The medium, he said, can disadvantage men, who typically socialize in a “side by side” manner—playing or watching sports, for instance.
Women, by contrast, tend to socialize via conversation, which texting closely mimics. If the way we spend time with friends moves to our phones, Brody said, the “preferences that many men have for maintaining their relationships don’t necessarily translate very well.”
*raises hand to speak*
Yes, friendship norms are changing. But that’s not the reason why Schnipper’s initial text was ignored. Here, let me write it in a big font:
Joe didn’t respond because Schnipper’s text was TOO VAGUE
Schnipper never indicated that he would appreciate hearing Joe’s thoughts on the album. So Joe was like, “It’s too much energy for me to figure out what to do with this link. Therefore, I will ignore it.”
The problem isn’t that these men are crappy communicators due their circumstances beyond their control. The problem is that they can be low-effort communicators because they don’t know –– or care to learn –– thoughtful texting protocol.
As more evidence of men sucking at texting, Schipper points to the awkwardness of a group chat when someone shares heavy or sad news:
On the rare occasions when Joe’s group chat turns serious, such as when one of his friends needs comfort, Joe told me that he’ll sometimes “wince at it.” He’ll respond with some empathy, then wait a requisite amount of time before going back to spewing nonsense. The chat, he said, is not the arena for talking about real things.
Mr. Schnipper ends the article with a plea: “Something needs to change if men want to forge meaningful, intimate friendships: They’re going to have to get more comfortable with texting.”
Pull up a chair, men! I can help you.
The 4 Golden Rules of Texting
Rule #1: Be explicit about why you’re reaching out
A text message is a gift. Just as there are great gifts (cash, always) and crappy gifts (a paperback copy of Hillbilly Elegy), a successful gift is one that takes the recipient’s needs and preferences into account. Spend a beat thinking about how your message will land in the other person’s inbox.
“Are you around Thursday?” is a frustrating text to receive because it raises more questions for the recipient:
Am I around to do what?
What time on Thursday are you thinking?
Why are you asking me?
Will this outing cost anything?
Texters, anticipate those questions.
Let’s try this again. Take two:
“Hey! Are you around Thursday to grab happy hour? I want to hear about your recent trip to Miami. I’m thinking we could go to the dive bar near your house. Would that work?”
That’s a lot better! At least now the recipient can make a decision quickly about whether this hang out is compelling to him.
Is it more effort upfront to send a message like this? Yes. But by giving more information at the start, you increase the chances of the plans happening.
Rule #2: Remove uncertainty.
In his text, Schnipper could’ve explained why he was reaching out to Joe and what he hoped to see happen:
“Hey! I think you’d dig this guy’s stuff. It’s similar to [other artist he loves.] Let me know what you think about it when you have a moment. Cheers!”
What is happening: I’m sending you a link to an album I though you’d enjoy.
Next steps: Tell me your thoughts on it.
If Joe is interested in developing his friendship deeper, then he can take the bid, listen to the album and reach out with his thoughts.
Rule #3: Explain what silences mean
Texters, don’t be held hostage by text recipient’s silence. Tell them how you’ll interpret their silence.
“Hey! Still want to grab a drink tonight? If I don’t hear from you by noon, I’ll assume it’s a pass. I’ll be in touch later in the week and we can find another time.”
Rule #4: Group chats are for sharing news that can be recognized with a few words
Bad news in a group chat doesn’t have to make things weird. I agree with the article that group chats aren’t the best place to find nuanced expressions of sympathy. But that doesn’t mean that you ignore people who share personal updates with you.
When you want to share the life update: If you’re looking for support beyond, “Oh man, that’s great!” or “Damn, that sucks,” contact people individually to share your news.
If your buddy is sharing distressing news in the group chat: acknowledge it with a few words then follow up with that person in an individual thread. Say something like, “Hey, I saw your text. Just want to check in with you. How are you doing?”
Did I miss anything? Tell me in the comments.
I had a wonderful conversation with the ladies on Pantsuit Politics. It was a wonderfully raw conversation about why our friendships are so hard to maintain but why we should invest in them anyways. Listen here.
Until next time!
Your buddy,
Anna
I'm sorry, but no man would ever be as explicit in the get together request. That's a text from a woman, not a man. I can see "are you around on Thursday for happy hour", but presenting a topic of discussion? And location in the first text? Not going to happen.
Yes, they need to be clearer, especially with regards to watching a video/listening to an album. But most men I know would rather talk it all out in person vs a text with a lot of info.