Chatting about our true selves with author Kathleen Smith

I sit down with the author of "True to You: A Therapist's Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself"

Dr. Kathleen Smith’s new book, True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself, is a wonderfully compassionate wake-up call for those who overly rely on managing others’ reactions.

Using the tenets of Bowen theory, she will help you understand the difference between being responsible to others (which is good!) and feeling responsible for others (which is not so good). “The simple change of a preposition can alter how you think about relating to a parent, a child, or a good friend,” she writes.

As you can imagine, being a good friend is highly relevant to my interests.

In the book, she lays out the difference:

ACTING RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE OFTEN LOOKS LIKE:
Assuming you know what they think.
Trying never to upset them.
Instantly dropping everything to help them.
Trying to manage their distress.
Telling them how to function.
Teaching others how to interact with them.
Discouraging their independent functioning.

BEING RESPONSIBLE TO SOMEONE COULD LOOK LIKE:
Being curious about their thinking.
Being honest about your interests, beliefs, and challenges.
Showing up for important events.
Letting them know when something isn’t okay.
Respecting the boundaries they set.
Being responsible for managing your own distress.
Letting others be in charge of themselves.
Promoting their independent functioning.

There’s so much to learn!

Dr. Smith’s book helped me identify my own subtle people-pleasing behaviors. My annoying tendency to finish people’s sentences is due to my own anxiety *collar tug* Big yikes!! I gotta work harder to keep that in check and manage my own discomfort.

So when Kathleen reached out to me and asked if I wanted to have a conversation with her about our work, I jumped at the chance. Enjoy our conversation about our books below.

If you want to learn more about Kathleen and her amazing work, buy her book True to You and subscribe to her newsletter The Anxious Overachiever. If you’re the slightest bit curious about this self stuff, I really encourage you to check out her work. You won’t regret it!