Can friendships survive the arrival of children?

I weigh in on that New York Magazine article that caused a stir

Hello friends!

I’ve been dying to talk about Allison P. Davis’ recent article in New York magazine about how kids are interfering with her friendships. The piece is called, “Adorable Little Detonators. Our friendship survived bad dates, illness, marriage, fights. Why can’t it survive your baby?” and it struck a nerve.

Me, finally commenting on an article that ran nearly two months ago

It’s easy to see why the piece caused a kerfuffle. Every few years, as a new generation grapples with their peers marrying and procreating, people have thoughts about the changes they’re seeing. The verdict: these changes suck for everyone involved, whether they have kids or not.

In the NY Mag piece, Davis wrote about her growing paranoia that all her friends with kids were hanging out without her, that they have a “unique emotional bond” she’s not privy to. Her core concern is that she’s out of her depth navigating these strange waters. She wrote:

“I worry I’m not being a good enough friend, even when I think I am, simply because I cannot fully understand how to be a good friend. And so my friends with kids decide that the only way to feel supported is to retreat into a silo of other people with kids.”

The bolding is mine. Cultural critic Anne Helen Peterson weighed in, writing in her newsletter Culture Study that friends should spend more time considering one another’s feelings when adjusting to this shifting parenting landscape:

"If you want a friendship to get through this catastrophe — which only gets worse before it gets better — then everyone in the friendship has to pause their rightful sadness or resentfulness and spend some time imagining how the other person is feeling." 

Again, bolding is mine.

To that I’d say: it's NOT ENOUGH to imagine how your friends are feeling because if the friends sat down and shared their concerns, the conversation would probably go like this:

Friend #1 (the frustrated non-parent): I feel like you’re not including me enough in your life because you’re a parent. I want to feel like I’m a priority to you.

Friend #2 (the overwhelmed new parent): I feel like you’re not being understanding enough that I’m a new parent and that my family needs most of my limited attention. I want you to understand that my priorities have shifted but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

Respectfully, fuck feelings.

F-word feelings!

It could give Friend #1 more clarity — and direction — to imagine what their parent friend needs at this moment in their life.

In my forthcoming book, MODERN FRIENDSHIP, I talk about Choice Theory, which was developed by Dr. William Glasser. He wrote that there are five genetic, basic needs:

• survival

• power

• love and belonging

• freedom

• fun

We all have these needs and we try to meet these needs all the time. Munching on peanut M&Ms, dying your hair pink, watching “Love is Blind: After the Episode” — all our behavior is rooted in satisfying these five basic needs.

Unless they have around-the-clock help, most parents are focused chiefly on survival when kiddos are young. Things like sleeping, eating and paying bills. I get it; fun takes a back seat when you're trying to keep a tiny human alive. My strategy, as a non-parent, is to help my parent friend meet their most immediate needs. 

For one friend of mine who was chronically exhausted after she had her second child, I stopped trying to organize happy hours and fancy lunch dates together. Instead, I came over to her house every week to watch her kiddos so she could take a nap. By helping her with her immediate survival need of sleep, pockets of time opened up where she was relaxed enough that we could connect in the way I was yearning for. Sure, we’ll go back to $16 harvest bowl lunches at some point. But right now, what I could give her was my time and that was by far the most effective way to show my care for her.

Stop focusing too much on your feelings and start taking each others’ needs into account, especially if one friend is struggling with survival as new parents are. This looks like turning down the volume on thoughts like "Why hasn't my close friend with kids done more to show up for me?" and turn up the volume on thoughts like, "What can I practically do to help my close friend with her most immediate struggles right now?"

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I’m giving away my secrets on cultivating friendship this holiday season at my own event with Meetup Live. This FREE event goes down on Thursday, November 2, at 3pm EST.

Let me help you!!

Here’s the gist:

It’s no secret that community has a major impact on your wellbeing. In fact, women who report the highest levels of life satisfaction also have three to five close friends on average. In this Meetup Live event, we’re bringing in an expert to talk about building friendships during the holiday season and beyond.

Join Anna Goldfarb, journalist and author of the forthcoming book, Modern Friendship. Goldfarb will talk you through the steps for developing a strategy of closeness during the holidays that will lock in friendships for the long haul. In this hour-long session, you’ll learn to identify the people in your life who are good candidates for connection. Find out how to nurture those relationships to achieve the community and support you deserve. Stick around for the Q&A!

Join me if you can. I’d love to have you. I promise it’ll be fun and I’ll preview the strategies and tips I’ll share in my book.

Yours in friendship,

Anna Goldfarb
The Friendship Explainer